I’m not sure if my week ended well. I met up with an angel or should I say used to be one…not anymore now. I was protected and well taken care of. If you were to hear OUR story, you would say that I once lived a fairytale life. You would say “aren’t you the happiest girl?”…You would hear OUR story and be touched. However, people grow, feelings change, new chapters reveal.
I grow, grew, grown and is still growing. It is physics I’m talking about. Life has changed ever since. Waking up looking at the mirror, asking myself what should I put on today to look thinner? Going home looking at the mirror again, telling myself, “damn, you didn’t look any thinner today.” If this is not sad enough, how about some window shopping, looking at those pretty outfits through the glass windows, and then turning away, slapping myself with facts like, “Ay, you don’t know meh, you so short and so fat. You’ll never get into that dress la please, walk away la please”. Disappointments. I’m not good at dressing up, but that is not because of the lack of fashion sense but THERE ARE REALLY FUCKING LOTS OF CLOTHINGS THAT I CANT PUT ON.
If this is not worse enough, how about tearing while thinking of the past, thinking about the mercilessly judgments and the looks from friends…the oh-my-gawd-what-happened-to-you faces. Last Saturday, I went to a party with optimism. She’s my neighbor but we haven’t seen each other for long. I went to say happy birthday, she gave me a surprised look and said, “wa lao Jocelyn, what happen?” all I could do was to answer, “erm, ya la, fat already lo.” I did it with a smile, with a slash across the heart.
Last year, I went to meet up with some secondary school friends…I received a message which wasn’t suppose to come to me. Guy A text-ed Guy B “she really fat now. Don’t be shock. I’m walking over with her.” Again, I spent an hour with a smile, with slashes across the heart, and finally when I couldn’t take it, I hailed a cab and cried in it. You would think that it is too small a matter to cry about but it was really that painful.
Too add on, I had many suitors, HAD many suitors, I wouldn’t deny that. They insisted on meet ups and I turned down almost every time. Reason being, I am not what they used to see. I didn’t want to give unpleasant surprises. Somehow, they still managed to convince me that looks and size doesn’t matter…So, I met up with one. He didn’t contact me ever after again. I met up with second, and after the meet up, I didn’t hear from him again. I tried, met up with the third, the meet up was comfortable because he kept saying that it is my character that counts. Who knows, after that meet up, his conversations turned cold.
Ok, I side tracked too much. I was supposed to talk about angel. Anyway that angel left. Point is, people turn away when they see such a change in me. Are men jerks? OR, simply just because I’m too ugly and too fat for them to befriend. I leave that for you to think.
It is just too depressing to think that once I was a dancer, with that flat tummy. Once, I wasn’t plagued with thoughts of inferiority, once, I didn’t have to look on the ground when I walk. I no longer hang out that often anymore, for fear that I would meet some friends I used to see in the past…
It is already sad being short, now, short and fat. Pretty bad huh…
Size matters after all you know.