(I know I lived in Switzerland and China so much longer  BUT I still prefer America because of the people, the not-so-expensive lifestyle, the weather, the fashion anything under the Sun!

Also because Ryan Cunningham and the others are there and I haven’t had quite enough of the Summer. I guess people always have something to say. Something like when you are having a holiday, you wish you could return to school because you ran out of things to do. And then when you are schooling, you wish you could just take a break. Or like a living example yours truly, when I was living abroad, I wanted to return home for good so freaking bad, but then now that I am here, in a competitive environment, surrounded by selfish and unfathomable people, I fucking wish that I was somewhere else again. I know that it is impossible to lead a truly happy life  when we are always busy wishing we were somewhere else or someone else but this is how life works isn’t it? Too many if onlys, could have beens…

Btw, if you are wondering how my 2012 will be with this kinda random urge and emotionally unstable thoughts, fret not, it isn’t bringing me anywhere. I never have a habit of setting New Year Resolutions because I believe in living in the today. Whatever happens tomorrow is a bonus and I just hope to concentrate on doing my daily human revolution. We shall see how it goes…

Anything can happen in a blink of an eye,

 that you have to agree.

I do miss the chocolate smell in the air, the snow falling down on me, the hot wine and colors filled at the Christmas markets, the sight of love, hugs and kisses everywhere. Here in Singapore, there is nothing like those above mentioned but at the very least I have got the friends around.

This year, no traveling, no studies, no work. Just purely having friends and family around, and some time alone. I feel that life is good this way. I could finally stop thinking about work and at least breathe. This year is going to end and I feel that I have not done enough, which is why 2012 a new year is here for a better reason. This year, I have neglected many of my friends and family, due to the marriage with work and I fear and become all upset when I think about those people walking away or leaving…I hate that imagination. This year, I spent a lot of money thus my own saying of, “Poor in the pocket but rich in the heart”.

I need to make a difference in the coming year.

You have to see it.

I felt it.

From friends to lovers.

A Bestfriend, A Girlfriend and now a Wife-to-be.

Ron is the man.

Whilst the stark truth is that hardship and difficulties are inevitable and inescapable, the definitive question may be whether we yield under their weight or use them as an opportunity to better ourselves.

I haven’t been writing.

I have been chasing time and may have lost touch with you but I did not forget. There’s really so much to catch up with. I know there is just so many friends I want to see ever since I return home for good but my time is you know it. No one is rushing me but I feel bad enough that I always have to turn appointments down. I wake up at 6 each day for work and after work, it is either meetings, dance rehearsals, performances, social activities (which usually only happen once in a lifetime for most of them) and the night would end at 1 or 2 and the cycle repeats. Weekends are all the same.

Now the next question is, “You have a choice, why make yourself this busy?”. I would say, if I have a choice, I would only wish there is more than 72 hours a day so that I could do more. I wish for that magic finger- just snap and I can be anywhere I want to. Life is this short and we all know it already, that is why I feel that if I don’t do it now, then when? The things that I do in the initial stages are mostly nothing for my own good. It is always for others’ happiness. Sometimes I do things which are out of my limit, sometimes I pick up tasks that others will not like to do, most of the time, I do things which was impossible for me to. However, after that comes in the later stage of my own good. That tinge of victory and genuine happiness when I know that I have brought the smiles and tears across, that I have made things happen time and time again.

And so I am thankful for the family and friends who is always there to fetch me around just so I could save time and money, to ensure I eat well and have that bit more time to sleep. To the special friends who are always around, the best friend samm, 99, hunny, shermin, halim, redzwan and family, jk, ryan, yatty, banana, and all those I promised to see but have yet to see, please give me more time and continue to understand. It is you. Everyone of you gives me the strength to lead life no matter how hampered I am by the problems and exhaustion.

Striving to realize our dreams is exhausting. But nothing is more satisfying or fulfilling. I once read that one can never become a person of extraordinary character just by leading an ordinary and peaceful life and avoiding difficulties which is why I really think I am somehow extraordinary.

Every hardship is an opportunity to strengthen ourselves, to temper our life and make it shine with greater luster.

Those chapters may not be as great or noble compared to those fighting against sickness and death but this story of mine is a light of my life and I hope will encourage and motivate the students, youth and shed some enlightenment to anyone who is encountering similar struggles and adversities like mine. I took up truckloads of courage to write, and cannot wait to share the hell I was in. You will be shock to read the painful truth but I promise you will be amazed at the same time with how life can be turned around. I am going to write with tears and a lump in the throat and in hope to save many of you from darkness.

How hard it was to pull my hand away from my mother’s. It’s always difficult to say goodbye to someone we have loved for a lifetime. As I left my mother’s side for the last time, I thought about the hundreds of relationships I’ve seen in which people love each other but cannot see each other clearly. They cannot feel the warmth in each other’s hearts; all they can feel is resentment for past injuries, or fear of future ones. Or years of frustration as they have tried unsuccessfully to change each other. It saddens me to see people who love each other yet cannot open themselves and simply hold each other’s hands.

It seems as if the more we let go, the more we experience love. Love is beyond everything else- axiety, desire, hope, resentment. Love is openhearted, demands nothing, and needs nothing. It is more likely to visit when our desires are quiet, when we don’t need or want much, and when we accept that everything we love is not permanent but is with us at this very moment.

I don’t want so sound envious of Marley, but I do think life without a self-image, an ego, is quite different from what we experience as humans. I have been watching dogs and have learned this: They love life fully. We seem to cherish life, but most of us aren’t fully aware of this day by day. Dogs seem to know that life is good. Dogs also know about altruistic love. Because they don’t have egos, they seem to love loving. when we humans love, most of us are timid about opening our hearts all the way. The ego wonder: “Will I be hurt? Will I be loved back? Will my needs get met or will I be abandoned?” Dogs don’t have these qusetions. They just love.

I see those smiles and I know whatever I have done is worth it.

I remember the day when I returned from China, I had to manage 3 overweight luggage alone. It was a painful burden. Shortly, I passed by this lady in her 60s who had difficulties in walking. I don’t know what came into me but I just went forward and lifted her hand carry luggage for her without even thinking if it is heavy and if I can manage. Indeed, it was heavy, I exclaimed to myself, “OMG, jialat, sibei heavy! BUT just carry!!! I CAN DO IT” and that strange powerful energy came and I felt like a superwoman. The weight became lighter and lighter when I see that she could walk with ease…When I see the smile and huge relief on her face, I feel happy myself. What surprise me was I bumped into her again in Orchard last week and she wanted to buy lunch for me at her workplace…I was like, “Aunty, HOW COME YOU STILL REMEMBER ME?!”

Now you tell me, if its worth it?

]]> http://oldrefrain.wordpress.com/2011/09/28/from-the-heart/feed/ 0 jaws http://oldrefrain.wordpress.com/2011/09/27/so-damn-lucky/ http://oldrefrain.wordpress.com/2011/09/27/so-damn-lucky/#comments Tue, 27 Sep 2011 02:14:32 +0000 Jocelyn http://oldrefrain.wordpress.com/?p=6154 ]]> People complain a lot about life in Singapore. It’s so small, stressful, competitive…

They didn’t realise that its the same everywhere. Each country has its own downsides, even the quietest, richest, biggest.

We all should start to see the better side of things rather than blaming each one. If you cannot realise how lucky we are to be here, get of the country for awhile and you immediately see. Everyone has something to say, but try another way of seeing things and count the surrounding blessings you have. Maybe then, you will be left with nothing to say.